


Working title:

by alderberry



Category: Dragon Age, Dragon Age 2
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-17 20:50:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5884720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alderberry/pseuds/alderberry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following the battle of Kirkwall Sylvana and her companions take refuge on the Wounded Coast as they consider their next course of action</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Setting You Free

Everyone was exhausted, having ridden hard away from Kirkwall. The massive magical force unleashed at the city was still palatable even from half a day's ride away; leaving the mages and Fenris on edge. They had finally settled in a small cluster of caves along the coast where Hawke had the habit of escaping to when she wanted to avoid being found.

  
"Check the water barrels, Varric. I want to get some hot water going for cleaning wounds and brewing some Elfroot tea." Hawke directs as she arranges wood for a fire. "Merrill, get the horses fully settled into the stables and Carver can you start working on what we need to get patched up?"

  
"What about me?" Anders inquires, it hadn't escaped his notice that his usual tasks had just been given to others.

  
"I haven't decided." Hawks tone decidedly colder than when speaking to the others. Her eyes turn to Fenris, who was inspecting his blade and doing little to hide his contempt for the man. "Watch over everyone, we'll need more wood if we're going to get this chill out of the air in the other chambers."

  
"Be safe.." the elf responds meeting her gaze, he's giving a tight nod in return as Hawke gives a whistle. Promptly her Malbari, Honour, moves to her side with only mild protest at having to move again so soon after settling.

  
"Sorry boy, we'll rest our old bones soon enough." Patting the dogs head as they exit the cave.

  
The coastal winds buffeted against her body as she pauses to look up at the night sky estimating there would be only a few more hours of darkness though with most of the stars blocked by cloud cover and the red of the sky over Kirkwall it was hard to gauge the hour accurately.

  
"Hopefully it'll rain and wash away our trail." Her words as much to herself as to the beast which prompted a soft woof before the two headed down the winding trail, checking the magic wards which deterred travellers from stumbling upon the caves. Gathering only a small armload of wood before her mind wandered away from the task at hand trusting Honour to warn of any dangers lurking in the darkness.  
Her mind tumbled and rolled over the happenings of the last 24 hours. Anders, his reasons, the battle after... The desperation of the First-Enchanter, the madness that had taken the Knight-commander and the end of both. Hawke ran circles in her head trying to see if there was anything she could have done differently to have avoided such devastation. What is they had worked harder to track down the idol? What if she hadn't so blindly trusted Anders.

  
Anders.. stopping as her thoughts fell on him once again. Was it even Anders who committed the act or was it Vengeance. Either way, her heart ripped in her chest; rage and pain boiling. No matter who or what the reasons he had betrayed her trust, her friendship. She knew Varric most likely felt the same at this moment.. Varric had already cast his judgment and now it had been left on Hawke to decide his fate. In the heat of the battle and the exhausting escape from the burning city Hawke had been able to remain collected distracting herself with the tasks at hand but now, now everything boiled over and she let out a scream of anguish and rage using one of the drift wood logs as a club to bash against a nearby boulder until it was cracked in splintered and the grip bloodied from her hands.  
"Feel any better?" the sudden invasion of her private moment causing Hawke to abandon the log her for staff, lightning flaring into her open hand ready to strike the intruder. Fenris calmly raises his hands, as unsettling as it was to have an angry and startled Hawke turn at him. "it's only me, Hawke."

  
The look of shame that flashed across Hawke's face as she dropped the staff was not lost to Fenris. "I... I'm sorry. I don't know it wa-"

  
"it's all right" he interrupts "I should have made my presence known earlier."

  
"still.." still apologetic "Honour made no warning and so I-" interrupted once more, this time by Fenris stepping forward and gently cupping Hawke's face in his hands "I'll take a lesson from you and forgive your trespasses." placing a soft kiss on her lips. "they are not without reason."

  
"The words stung more than comforted. It's because of my forgiveness that we ended up here." melting against his body, allowing herself a moments reprieve. "if I hadn't been so trusting.."

  
"Then none of us would be by your side." wrapping his arms around her. "what's done is done."

  
"I..hate him. I hate him for this. All of this...." choking back tears, she wasn't ready to give in just yet.

  
"As do I." Fenris wasn't sure which part he hated more at the moment, the lives Anders cost or the personal pain his actions now cost Hawke.

  
"You've always hated him..."

  
"Disliked, distrusted, but not hated.."

  
"what should I do, Fenris?"

  
"I would start by not destroying every piece of firewood you managed to collect. As for Anders, that I couldn't tell you anything more than I have. He deserves nothing short of death as any abomination we have encountered. He might appear more human, but he is still just as dangerous as he has shown us tonight."

  
She faintly nods "I need some time to think, go and rest." she says, placing a kiss of her own on his cheek "I don't know what or who may seek us out, if anything. We need to be ready for anything."

  
"Remain safe."

  
"and you." Hawke replies, sharing one more kiss. "I shouldn't be long, and I still have Honour." smiling weakly.

  
"hopefully he'll be better at warning of any threats than he was at announcing me." the elf jests weakly as he steps away, patting the Malbari on the head affectionately "protect her well."  
Alone again, Hawke slumps onto the boulder. Her outburst did help relieve some of her anger but the pot still boiled.

Back at the caves Carver was carefully removing the final field dressing from a wound on Varric's side; a would received by a templar who didn't care that the group wasn't with the pack of shades summoned by one of the circle mages.

  
"I could help.." Anders offers, he had been given only one task so far, peeling turnips to boil with the dried meat they kept stored there.

  
"You've helped enough." Carver said bluntly.

  
Anders gives Varric a pleading look only to have it met with a dead stare. "The only reason you're still with us is due to Hawke's." Varric knew the sting of betrayal all too well, but this particular brand was crushing. Bartrand hadn't caused the entire city to break into war, and he had still been handled with efficiently by himself and Hawke.

  
"A thing which you've strained greatly." Fenris interjects as he settles back down near the fire drawing his blade and whetstone. He wanted the edge sharp for if Anders tried to make a move.

Time crept by and the chill began to settle into Hawke's bones, calling for her to move in order to keep warm. The edges of the sky where starting to lighten and dew was settling onto the ground as she wandered along the trails once again, until she finds herself at the entrance to the cave they used as the stables. Merrill was perched at a ledge used as a look out just near the cave mouth.

  
"Mind if I join?" Hawke asks

  
"No, I don't mind at all." Moving over to allow Hawke some room. Once settled they sat in silence for a time.

  
"He really made of mess of things didn't he. Even worse than I ever did." Merrill says

  
"He has."

  
"I'm going to return to my clan. Try to right what I've wronged. Everything I've done. It was for them.. for all Elven kind.. but it's all gone wrong. What if I turn out like him in the end? I.. I don't want.. is that how I look? Is what I do the same as him?" the small mage's face was twisted with worry.

  
Hawke took a moment to think over her words "You're methods are similar... relying on creatures from the fade to accomplish your goals." Hawke knew it was no comfort to Merrill but she wasn't trying to offer any. "You know I have always over looked your ways.. you seem well in control. But, I thought the same for Anders."

  
"I understand." Merrill says. Hawke could tell she had hurt Merrill, but was beyond caring if it meant speaking a truth that needed to be said. The silence stretched between them for several long moments.

  
"What.. do you think should be done. You where the only one who voiced any form of mercy.." Hawke was desperate for any tidbit of advice which could offer clarity.

  
"I think...what I think doesn't matter. Does it? You know what you'll do. You always do." Merrill offers a weak smile "You'll do what's right, what's best for everyone."

  
Hawke nods absently. Merrill was right, she had known. She had known since before leaving Kirkwall, before Meredith or Orsino, she already decided and acted.

  
"When are you going to leave?"

  
"After breakfast maybe... or in a few days. I haven't decided, it's a terrifying thought going back to my clan. They don't like me, and really they don't have a reason too... I just hope I can prove myself to them.."

  
Hawke nods and gives the elf a one armed hug "Thank you, Merrill."

 

"for what?"

  
"telling me what I already knew" climbing from the perch "I'll be back... in a few hours. Get some rest, we can take a day or two to heal up. We can travel to Sundermount together."

The cave still held a chill, even with the warmth of the fire and the lingering tangy smell of Elfroot tea.

  
"Anders" Hawke says from the entrance. "come, walk with me."

  
Fenris moves to stand only to be stayed by Hawke. "It'll be all right."

  
Outside they wound through the pathways "Do you remember when we found these caves?" words spoken simply to break the tension.

  
"It was.. those bandits we hunted down for Aveline, right? Her men kept getting lost and turned around because of the wards." Anders responds. Thinking back on the day, it hadn't been particularly tricky to find once they figured out the cause and the bandits surrendered in short order... after realizing their traps at the entrance didn't outright kill the 'guards' which had finally found them.

  
"You really saved my ass there... or well, at least my leg." Hawke says, if not for Anders healing Hawke would have easily lost her leg to the traps. "I don't think I ever properly thanked you for that.. or all the other times you've saved my ass."

  
"You don't. You don't have to. This, all of this. I don't deserve you being so kind to me, after what I did." refusing to look at Hawke. "I, I'm sorry... for everything I've done to you, Sylvana. All that you've risked for me.. and you're still straining yourself for me. I know why we're out here, just-"

  
"You know nothing, Anders." Hawke cut in sharply. Stopping suddenly and forcing Anders to face her. "You think you know, but there is so much that you refuse to see due to your selfishness. I didn't bring you out here to kill you."

  
The works stopping him just as abruptly as the actions. His face riddled with confusion as he searches her face, he knew her well enough...

  
"I'm setting you free. Both of you." the pain in her eyes almost a relief to the man.

"Hawke, I.."

  
She shakes her head silencing him. "You've helped me, saved me countless times. Even after all the shit you've done you're still my friend. I stayed my hand in Kirkwall because we needed you still. The circle mages needed you. I don't know what shit-storm may come from this, but maker help me I can't just..so, I'm setting you free."

  
"Thank you." Anders voice full of relief.

  
Hawke pulls her belt knife from its sheath before moving in to embrace him.

"Goodbye, friend." Her words fall softly, the only response a jerking grunt as the knifes blade sinks in between his ribs. His jagged breathing coming to a stop as she twists the blade how Isabella taught her and he goes limps in her arms.

  
She sits near him for awhile, watching the sky brighten to a vivid red and orange before she moves to cover him with stones, placing a large whitish one at the head of the grave. Summoning the last of her will from her exhausted body she sears his name into the rock before making the trek back up to the caves.

  
"It's done..." her words as dry as the blood on her robes.

  
"will you be okay?" Fenris, the only one remaining in the main cavern asks.

  
"I will be...."


	2. Blame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sylvana Hawke doesn't find her rest to be peaceful.

Hawke stood at the edge of the cliff the sound of waves crashing below as the wind whipped and pulled, encouraging her to take the final step forward. She turns her eyes away from the turbulent sky to the water; red waves surged and crashed against the rocks below, corpses churning under the surface familiar faces and strangers. All looking upwards at her expectantly, pleading. Her cupped hands were stained with the blood which wouldn't stop spilling over.

"It's your fault! Why didn't you stop him? You were supposed to watch out for them." Her mother's chiding voice says. Sylvana looks to where Leandra sat on the ground with Anders' head cradled in her lap.

"There was nothing I could do!" Sylvana cries. "No one would listen."

"He was your responsibility." Leandra repeats, rocking Anders gently.

"Mother, I-" she starts, only to be interrupted by a hand on her shoulder.

"If you had only done something sooner." It was Orsino's voice but when Sylvana turns she finds only the Harvester standing there.

"You could have stopped us." It gurgles, sickly flesh melting away to reveal Knight-Commander Meredith with her sword imbedded into her chest and eyes glowing the sinister red of the lyrium.

"You could have saved us." the woman says pitifully.

The sounds of battle surrounded Sylvana as she ran, throwing open the door to Gamlen's hovel as fire licked at the ceiling. In the distance she heard singing, calm, gentle. She knew she had to find its source but every door lead to another burning room, the library at the estate, Merril's home in the alienage, the hanged mans common room, Anders' clinic. Her bedroom in Lothering oozed black ichor where Bethany, just a child, was smiling her wide gap-toothed smile.

"It's okay Sylva. They did what they did, not you." hugging her older sister. Sylvana falls to her knee's wrapping her arm's tightly around her sister.

"I'm so sorry Bethy.. I couldn't save you.."

The singing crept into the fringes again, this time she could recognize Fenris' voice even if she couldn't catch the words. She tries to cling to the sound, fearful of losing it again. Her own sobs shocking her awake.

It takes a moment to realize she's conscious. As tears begin to stream down her face Fenris pulls her into his arms. She burry's herself into his chest, unable to control the sobs which shook her body. She couldn't remember the last time she cried so hard.. the death of her father? It didn't matter, years of repressed sorrows and self blame poured from her soul as she clung to Fenris as if he was a life raft in a turbulent sea. 

He kept his arms around her securely, softly stroking her hair as he started humming. Sylvana calmed as the tune blended into words. She recognized it from her dream, had he been singing it already? While the words where elvish and his voice couldn't hold the tone as well as the lyre he often played it was sincere and comforting.

"that song..." she murmurs

"a lullaby." he answers simply.

"when did you have time to go and learn lullabies?" peering up at him with blood shot eyes.

"it is a fragment of a memory. Something I can only assume I learned from my mother or sister." he admits wiping the tears from Sylvana's cheek. 

"I'm sorry." So much guilt had piled onto her that she didn't know how else to feel at the moment.

"Don't be. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't even have that much." He says, resting his lips on her forehead momentarily. "I was worried you might not wake.." 

"Worried?" she murmurs.

"You've been asleep for three days, I feared..." he lets the sentence drop.

"Three days?!" bolting up "The others, what's-"

"Everyone is fine." Fenris reassures. "Varric and Merril left this morning to join Aveline in Kirkwall. Carver is here, being as insufferable as always."

"and you?" Sylvana wasn't about to let him skip over his own injuries she knew lie bandaged under his shirt.

"I could not abandon you while you slept." He answers simply.

She sighs lying into him once again. "And Kirkwall?"

"Still in chaos, Most of the literal fires have been extinguished or burnt themselves out. Darktown and the Alienage have been all but gutted. The Gallows tower burns still as well, no one dares enter it and Aveline has started searches for survivors from the Chantry." Giving a summary of the message sent by the Guard-Captain late the night before.

"Makers breath." How had everything spun so out of control so fast? "I should be there."

Fenris cups her face in his hands "You have done more than anyone else has for Kirkwall."

"They depend on me." the voices from her nightmare echoing in her head. "If I-"

"Stop." He commands, physically interrupting any further protest with a kiss. "You need rest."

She sighs in defeat pressing her forehead against his, he was correct and she knew it. She hurt everywhere and she suspected she had a cracked rib at the least which hadn't been made any better by her breakdown earlier. Sitting in silence and allowing herself the moment only made her realize how sore she truly was.

"Have you spent the entire time fussing over me and not taking care of yourself?" Hawke asks, only to have Fenris respond with a grunt. "You can't just worry about me, you have to take care of yourself as well, my love." Her words soft whispers. 

"You where in far worse condition than I was." He insists. 

Shaking her head she knew there was no arguing with him at length over the matter. Melancholy still clung to the edges of her mind but the nightmare was slipping away and with it the hardened edge of guilt and grief allowing her to enjoy the warmth of his body and the rhythm of his breathing. 

"What do we do now..." she asks not expecting an answer.

"We make a new life." His words echoing her advice to him from so long ago.


End file.
